So, today was a ton of fun! I got yelled at early in the morning for something that was completely my fault, but I will be excuse-y and say that I was discombobulated and and got into work later than I wanted to and I was still trying to get organized and there's that whole "my grandmother just died" thing. I almost started crying on the phone with my boss. Well, I won't make that same mistake again, for sure, never. Unless it really is an accident, because communication is not my firm's strongest suit.

It was weird, today. Every time I didn't think about my grandmother, I was fine. When I did, I got really, really, unexpectedly sad & teary. Again, I'm not used to this, this losing people who are very close to me. She's really, really gone. She hadn't been herself for a while, even before she started on her big decline, but still. It's going to take a while to sink in.

ALSO: Drew Brees is fab, and I hope the Saints go all the way. (I've said it before, but it's still in play, this idea) The Saints made the Patriots look like pansies tonight.

On a lighter note:

( MEME time! )

I want out of my job, so, so badly. I think this other co-worker of mine might take a job in Boston, even though she never considered moving back up there. And that other guy is leaving...I guess depending where/when he gets into school. Work is just going to suck. Of course, the smart panda thing to do would be to throw myself into looking everywhere for potential opportunities, but I remain lazy and unmotivated, and doing "homework" on a Friday night. A Friday night when I should be at L's, with his straight friends (for once!). I did make myself some pasta/pesto and squash for dinner and it came out half well. That spaghetti squash is a little trickier than I thought. Tasty, though.

My father asked me if he could talk to the career counselor about me and I'm kind of opposed to it. They can't use the "we're paying for it' excuse b/c I'm paying for once in my life. I just don't want her to tell him how unmotivated I am, and then I get yelled at. Again- my own fault. Sometimes I can't get out of my own way. Little things at work piss me off on a daily basis- people leaving half open coffee packets or wet paper towels on the kitchen counter. People leaving boxes around. Feeling like a housekeeper. Missing phone calls. Having a daily battle with the guy who covers for me, and he's off growing plants and attracting flies and generally being a nuisance.

& now, via alternatending( oh hai, meme )

Today was my boss's first day back after a good 2.5 week vacation. I did manage to make it into work a little bit earlier, which was good, but I was tired from the most excellent seafood fiesta at my friend's place last night. Didn't go to be until after 1 this morning.

So there is work, and there is yet another bitchy RFP [request for proposal], this one requiring a lot of supplementary material from sub-consultants, which means you have to get on everyone's case for their contributions. But it's a lot of paper and writing and putting shit together, and the guy who usually covers for me when needed wasn't in today, so there's this RFP to finish off, plus the general run-around that is my daily routine. I really wish my firm didn't owe the temp agency money so that maybe they could hire someone to come in like 2 days a week and just give me a rest. Of course, I wouldn't mind so much if the people designated to back me up weren't so godawful. I'm going to have to get to work at like 8am tomorrow so I can't print more stuff without tying up the good color printer/copier.  But the instructions are kind of confusing, and the principal in charge of the RFP is going to be out due to a funeral and it's just a big convergence of stress. Not to mention, the p-in-charge is always horrible at putting these things together, even when we get an early start. If he's not done with all of the stuff he has to contribute, then I'M stuck, so I get extra stressy. I might see if someone can sit at the other desk up front tomorrow and at least take care of the little things. Otherwise, I might have a fit. Not to mention there are a couple of other things I'm lagging behind on, as usual, and when/if my boss figures that out...shitshow. I need to get through tomorrow, and then there's Hard Knocks and GLEE and Top Chef and maybe even my laundry. Gym on Thursday, if I'm feeling frisky.

All I wanted to do was call my mom and get calm today, but she's dealing with my grandmother, who is in declining mental state, and she can't pay attention to anything right now, which I understand, but still, it would be nice to talk to her. My poor mother, at the end of her rope.

I love how the Fall Out/Panic faction uses the phrases "good hangs." They're cute. Also, still loving Ratatat.

So apparently that co-worker that I got all sad panda about leaving? He's going to work 1 day a week and then be "chief child care provider" the rest of the time. So that's cool. I'll still get to see his face. And make fun of him for rooting for the Bengals. And ask random questions about the Midwest. The other guy I really like is still leaving, and I got to ask him if he's ever been told that he's very Jim Halpert-esque, and he said that yes, he's been told that, even though he doesn't quite see it. But it's true! And the other angle, aside from the fact that his personality is very Jim, is that he met his girlfriend at his previous firm, where she was the administrative temp, so it's like their own Jim/Pam situation.

GChat with Mom this morning. Sometimes she says the most unexpected, funny things.

20 minutes

Also, this is a woman who unwittingly sold people Lauren Conrad's fashion line. It was her sister's buy and she didn't know. I had a fit when I saw the stuff, though.

I listened to this Kate Nash song a lot all day, especially this one part. [We Get On]

I found out another co-worker who I really like is leaving. But he should, because I feel like he's constantly disrespected and belittled and it's not worth staying anymore. But I will miss him, because he's awesome, and I'm kind of a sad panda right now. I'll be fine tomorrow, but right now my heart hurts a little bit. I haven't lost anyone very close to me, death-wise, but I've lost enough friends/good acquaintances over the years to make an impact. When do I stop losing people?

I'm freaking out about the 6 hour plane ride to CA. That my friend and I will run out of things to talk about. That I'll get sick. It's amazing how this one guy leaving makes me spiral into absolutely everything. I gotta get out of my job. In the grand scheme of things, though, everything could be so much worse, and I'm lucky to have what I do have, even if I'm missing certain things. Tomorrow will be different...

Let's discuss a few things:

-how awesome tomato/basil/mozzarella sandwiches are, especially with added balsamic vinegar

-I "maintained" my weight- hooray! Can't wait 'til I'm 5 lbs down. That'll be a little milestone.

-how I had to On Demand "Watchmen" twice b/c I forgot I only got a 1-day rental, and how the movie was totally not worth it, and boy am I glad I saved $11 and didn't see it in the theater

-how boring work is. My boss is on vacation for most of the month, and most of the principals are gone for the first 3 weeks of the month, on and off. The phones are not ringing off the hook. I can't even go organize/archive things, because that means having DD come sit in for me, and I hate leaving him at the front desk, and he has his own work to do and it's not fair.

SO HERE'S WHERE YOU COME IN: Even my daily blogroll is getting exhausted. What blogs should I be reading-music, fashion, comics whatever-related? What music should I check out?

Oh, mary. Went by Urban Outfitters after work tonight to try and find a dress I saw over the weekend (no dice, btw), and instead I got like, '90s flashbacks all up in there. Lots of plaid/flannel, liberty print dresses... what in the world is going on? Will well dressed hipster girls be rocking lumberjack shirts this SUMMER? How about I go back to what I wore in the early-mid '90s? Bike shorts, puff-paint shirts, and thick, brightly colored headbands?! I will be looking good, right?

So what it all comes down to is- what am I going to wear this summer? I have to find some cute dresses that don't look like something Angela Chase wore. The good news is that there's an H&M opening a block away from me at the end of the month so uh, there goes my paycheck.

I came in to work all refereshed this morning, ready to turn over a new leaf and stop whining about boys and start doing yoga and I find out that I left a situation in my wake on Thursday afternoon and kind of fucked something up, but it's not like, something that's going to destroy the company. It's more like a stupid mistake that could have been avoided if I'd gotten my awards submisisons in 2 weeks ago because as much as I try to give myself like, a week's birth to do something like that, it winds up backfiring spectacularly. A new project will come up or I'll find out that my boss is going away or just something, anything... and then it's another hail mary finish, so to speak. I'm so good at those! But, the "new leaf" thing is still in play.

Oh, and Paste magazine can fuck off for doing a "Gossip Girl's greatest musical moments" list without including the montage set to "Slow Slow" (from the Bart's funeral episode). I'm sure Paste thought even mentioning GG in their magazine was beneath them, but leaving out SS is a crime.

First things first, alright? Every time I see Adam Lambert on Idol, I want to go watch Hedwig... C'mon, boy- show some love for the East Coast drag scene, or whatever it is that spawned Squeezebox and Hedwig... "Angry Inch?" "Tear Me Down?" Oh, if only more people knew those songs.

WORK was ugh. I'm cranky and pissy about how I can't go to lunch when I want to and how I have to do 8 things at once and I can't remember certain things sometimes. (you have a job; you have a job; you have a job that you don't totally hate) And I'm behind on my laundry so I have nothing to wear, and total "dressing block" in the morning and I'm late. So maybe we reevaluate and I start bringing lunch to work now so I can eat when I want to, but people still bother me while I'm eating so I guess I work around it, but it's annoying above all that I can't just take a break when I need to, because the guy who covers for me will be like, okay 5 minutes THEN okay 5 minutes THEN okay let me get some tea and have a smoke and 5 minutes turns into 20 and I'm ready to kick something.

So I almost had a fit and scratched myself and slammed things and day-dreamed about buying cigarettes and hilighting my hair, none of which is happening, btw. What I really did was listen to the Elvis Perkins in Dearland album which is pretty damn good and it was cathartic and atmospheric and it made my day. It's similar to his first album without being too much so.

The big middle finger of the day goes out to Walmart Soundcheck for only having Kelly Clarkson do two new songs on her "episode." I really hope that wasn't her decision or the record company's.

Listen, the mood at work is DIRE. We're just waiting for the 3rd shoe to drop, the one that has a note that reads, "office is closing; sorry." Which makes me think- were we over-hired to begin with? B/c I know that we were having issues as of 2007, but I don't know the backstory. I do think something went askew with regards to internal management, but my office does have a lot of issues, especially regarding communication, which is a whole other story. I don't think it should be as bad as it is, basically.

Anyway, it turns out I liked "The Darjeeling Limited" a lot more than I originally thought. I really want to watch it again, but I have Scrubs and some Duggar shows and Blow-Up and laundry and washing my hair to attend to. And the small matter of polishing up my pathetic resume- ick.

This week I will be listening to: more Jonathan Richman, new Franz Ferdinand, 808s & Heartbreak, Elvis Perkins, Darjeeling soundtrack, maybe more Animal Collective. I feel like I need to know more about that band in order to form a real opinion of them. "Merriweather" is not as weird as I had been expecting it to be. I still refuse to listen to Devendra Banhart on principal, though.

I saw my first live cockroach tonight. Luckily, it was not in my apartment (it was down in the basement), but it still gave me shivery, creepy feelings. And then I came upstairs and promptly vacuumed.

...and the world comes tumbling down - part III

We're going to 4-day weeks, except me and some principals. Fuckfuckfuck. Because we lost a job in Brooklyn. The banks have to start lending again soon or else we're going to have to lay off most of the staff, probably. Something's got to give, here... the government has to figure some shit out or else... I am in a better position than most and I am thankful for that, but my heart breaks for the people supporting families and mortgages and important, grown-up stuff. I'm just me, and I have parents. At least I can take comfort in that I'll hopefully be one of the last to go, if it comes to that.

Think positive: scandinaviandiscoadventure;scandinaviandiscoadventure. Lovely boys. Super Bowl. And a couple of days off next week. I wish it wasn't for a funeral, but life is funny like that sometimes.

I told myself I wouldn't give a shit about AC Newman's new album, but Rhapsody has it and I listened to it and it's goooood. The first song is real good and it reminds me of the overture to "Bye Bye Birdie" which is random since I was listening to it on Tuesday. I'm also surprisingly looking forward to the new Franz Ferdinand, which comes out at the end of the month. All of a sudden I crave dance-y stuff and those angular, jagged rythms. Everyone always says how Franz is like Gang of Four, and I had never listened to them, but I did last week, and the comparisons are so true. GofF are good, too. I see the comparison there much more than the "Interpol sounds like Joy Division!" meme.

I've got dinner plans for tonight, tomorrow and Friday; an unexpected yet welcome social calendar. And I'll get to meet some new people tomorrow night, which is cool. I don't get nervous meeting new people so much anymore; I welcome it, so long as I know at least another person. 

MD is in my head, his ridiculousness and everything about him and please fall in love with me or whatever, call me on weekends. I think he's kind of lazy, as am I, which is cool. We might be very similar people in the long run. I can't help it- I like intelligent, decent people and hey if there are good looks in there, I'm sold and slayed, with bells on.

Work is me running around like a madwoman. It'll be really quiet, and then get really busy and I'll be inundated with 4 different things and I get so easily flustered. I do think I've become a better multi-tasker, though. I've learned that I have to write everything down, and remember to check my lists, but if I do that, I'm good.

make of that what you will...

So MD said maybe we'd go see that exhibit this weekend, and I didn't hear from him aside from the "sorry we didn't go last weekend" on Monday. And my relationship with him is one of these things where he always contacts me when I least expect it (aren't those fun?). So this weekend is NFL division championship playoffs, so I'm obviously psyched, but I'm also thinking- he's going to call me as soon as sit down to watch football, huh? Saturday passed, wintry mix and all, and I didn't hear from him, so I figured he decided to flake yet again and forget about going, but then I get texts at 8 and 9 tonight and uh, guess who's missing the Giants game so she can go hang out with a cute boy? Of course...I knew it. Oh, life!!

But GO GIANTS!

I keep thinking that I'm going to be fine after The Massacre at Park Avenue South, but then I keep thinking about all of these little moments with RK that I'm never going to have again, and it sucks, and I get sad. Why did you have to take my friends, stupid economy? The good news is that running the front desk by myself isn't going to be as bad this time around. It's still going to suck, and I'm going to have to make some readjustments. We all are, though, and of course I feel bad for the people who did get laid off. It's just a double-edged sword that we're all so close. LM was telling me how she almost quit when two of her other friends left. And I was thrown into an emotional tailspin when RF got the boot, which was basically a year ago, which means that I've been in my apartment for a year...damn, that flew by fast.

The KKK Took My Baby Away (part II); but not really-

We laid off 6 people today, one being my close friend and one being my co-pilot. Fuckfuckfuck. Sucks for them so, so much, and I'm sorry to say that it sucks for me too, because I rely on my co-pilot and no one else in the office relies on someone else to the extent that I do, so I'm sad for everyone who got the axe but I am also upset that I'm back to square one in terms of how I work. I have to rely on Doug for lunch breaks and for whatever else, and I don't trust him at the desk, and he's really squirrely, and so he's not an ideal backup. And it's going to be harder for me to call in sick, take a day off, or take vacation from now on. Poo.

And this is just as I was remarking to myself how nice it was to have a co-pilot again, and how I was so glad that RK and I got closer after I moved to the downtown office. Ain't that a slap in the face?!

The only good thing about this is that it knocks off one more person who I was close to, so it'll be that much easier to leave this job when I finally do leave. I'm expecting more cuts in another month or so, once we meet this deadline for one of the few projects that we do have.

Not that Dayton Hudson gives two shits or anything, but the Christina Aguilera/Target commercial is really sloppy. I read about it first - how they had to edit the song for TV air - before I actually saw the commercial, and it's kind of jarring, the way it sounds when it's all chopped up. If I was the person working on that commercial, I would have had Christina re-cut the lines so at least it sound a little better. Maybe- "sometimes I'm a super brat" and instead of "...don't give an AH!", like, "don't care one bit?" The song's a total earworm...deserves to sound better, even if CA's totally biting from Lady Gaga.

I'm getting fatter and fatter. Where did my energy/will to lose weight disappear to? Weight Watchers- what's that? And since it's winter, I'm all about warm foods, not so much the salads, and yet it's getting cold so I don't want to leave my desk. And on the one hand, that's good because maybe I can make lunch and bring it to work, but on the other hand- there are no indoor public spaces in the Grammercy/Murray Hill/Flatiron area, not like in Midtown. Oh, how I miss the Sony building! So I could eat at my desk and be healthy and stay warm and...be interrupted. Them's the breaks.

Aaaand I'm getting sick; I feel the stirrings of a cold, which is perfect, just in time for the hectic day at work that tomorrow will produce. Our Thai clients are coming to the office, plus 4 other meetings and waiting on the Thai clients and hand and foot...phew. I hate how my bosses are usually very laissez-faire about everything but when there's a big client or fancy visitor, they suddenly snap to attention and I'm always a little blindsided. It's like, "Oh now, you want to make an effort?" Our old office was so disgusting for the kind of work that the firm does. It made such a poor impression. I think it will all go fine, though, just as long as we find a decent lunch place and I'm not totally nasal/sniffly.

Here's an example of how I continue to chip away at myself: our firm was in New York magazine for a feature on before/after neighborhood architecture. I handled all of the images and whatever and I had asked the contact to please send copies of the magazine when it came out but she obviously didn't write it down because I had to order the back issues online and the guy I spoke to this morning told me that it takes 4-5 weeks for them to be delivered. I know, serves me right. But still- WTF? It doesn't say that on the online order form. Bitches.

Me: But, don't you have some copies lying around? The issue is only 2 weeks old.
NYMag: Um, we don't do that.
Me: Can you tell me if you at least have some lying around? We'll pay you!
NYMag: No, we don't do that.

And the chorus goes- FUCK. My boss was kind of pissed. I told him I learned my lesson. The worst part is that I can't even call up the person who contacted us originally because the emails are lost, which I just discovered this morning. I have a 2 1/2 week chunk of emails missing. WTF is up with that, by the way? How does that happen? Our IT guy has no idea. Luckily, I have the woman's name in my notebook. I just have to hope she's still there.

I'm making progress, food-wise: I wanted comfort-food-noodles, especially of the Drunken, Thai, variety and I was going to splurge and spend more money on delivery but I sharpened up and went to Food Emporium and got lo mein noodles and chili/sesame oil and made my own Frankenstein stir-fry. It didn't come out too, too badly... spicier than I thought it would be. I just...hate dishes/cleanup. But don't we all. Saving money is the way to go. And I have mad leftovers.

Another day of boredom. Got off to an auspicious enough start- jammed the box cutter into my thumb while trying to extract some paper towels. I am not the office maid, folks! So of course I promptly freaked out and squealed but no one heard me and in the end, it's a really sissy cut that stopped bleeding after I held a towel to it for a minute.

And another day of "Oh man, can I please twirl around the office while listening to "Lost Coastlines" some more? But it's a quiet office so no one would be too impressed with me screaming, "Take me I'm yours, morning star ship!" all of a sudden. And I wish I could do backflips in mid air, too. That's how I feel sometimes when I listen to an awesome song.

Back to earth- people in my office have an unpleasant habit of sneaking up behind me and just talking, not even addressing me by name. Our bookkeeper is the worst offender because she comes RIGHT next to me and kind of hovers and it's really annoying and kind of rude. My boss was especially bad today. I scare easily, too, so if someone just starts talking to me out of the blue, I will jump, on occasion. And even if I'm zoned out and someone does say my name, I might jump. I wish I could say something to my boss about it but I don't think I can.

I'm pulling another 4-day week, going down the shore on Friday for the 3rd time ever in my 24-year Jersey existence. It's funny- growing up, we never went to the beach in NJ and we didn't really know a lot of people who made a habit out of it, but somehow I always knew to say "down the shore." I don't know how or why but I'm amused by that fact. God, I love regionalisms.

Repeat of last weekend: wasted Saturday spectacularly, made up for it on Sunday but still forgot about my laundry. Whatever, I have clothes for tomorrow at least.

I finished "King Dork" for the third time. The book is just f-ing amazing and each time I read it, I pick up little things that I hadn't noticed before. Or my opinion on certain aspects of the story changes. It absolutely kills me that Will Ferrell has the rights to the book. It should never, ever see the light of day as a movie, same with "Confederacy of Dunces" but I don't think that one is going to happen. If KD gets to the cinema, it's going to be like Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Tom. When it should be someone like Owen Kline or I don't know, a new comer? But I'm contradicting myself- movie shouldn't be made. Couldn't be. Why did Frank Portman let the film rights get snapped up? He should know that the book would be really hard to translate into a movie. You'd lose all of the awesome bits about Tom and Sam naming and re-naming their band over and over again. Although I suppose you could do animated sequences in between scenes but there are a lot of band changes and probably only 8 or so would wind up making it into the theoretical movie. I guess Portman doesn't own the rights, though. The publishing company does. Well, if I was Portman's editor or agent I'd be all, sorry Will and Adam McKay- no dice. It's an awesome book and that's how it should stay, mmkay?

Yes, they're making "Youth in Revolt" but I think KD is a far superior book so I really don't mind.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to look for a new job. I'm scared that no one will hire me. Pretty silly, right? Stupid economy. I hate that the music business fell to pieces. I just hate everything sometimes. Sometimes it seems that there is nothing good about anything anymore but then the sun comes out or I hear an amazing new song or I have a good, productive day at work and I feel on top of the world. Such a cycle, huh?

Welcome to the working week; I know it don't thrill you, I hope it don't kill you... (truer words never sung)

Listening to Maria McKee's "Life is Sweet" on straight repeat for a while, interspersed with The Mountain Goats, for being emo. Their song "This Year" is still so joyous to me, especially hearing it after a long absence- one of those hey, I forgot how much I loved this song. And it's a good song, about redemption and hope and all of that. And Maria? She's like a fore bearer to Neko Case. Neko's voice is twangier I think, but I lurve Maria, too.

Kanye's "Flashing Lights" is so f-ing weird but I love it. There's like 4 different elements happening at once and the result is pretty stellar to me. I also heard Lil' Wayne for the first time last week. I've been hearing about him for the past 2 years or so I guess but I hadn't actually heard his voice- not what I was expecting. It almost drawls out of him. I don't think I like his stuff, though, and I was expecting to, since he's one of those rappers who gets consistent praise from indie/alternative outlets.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I really, really, don't. I gotta start looking for a new job soon. I go back and forth every few days but as of now, I really want to give it all up and find something new, where there's room to grow. Right now, I want to go work at TLC, particularly on "What Not to Wear." I can't think of anything else that I want to do, that makes sense. When I was younger, I wanted to be Jancee Dunn, who was Senior Editor at "Rolling Stone" during my middle-high school years. But now I just kind of laugh at RS and Spin and the other magazines that I once revered. But I don't want to write for some online hipster-centric music site either. I just don't know... I'm having dinner with a cousin of ours in a week or so. Maybe he'll have a suggestion or two for where someone like me could end up. I think he works as a trend forecaster or something and freelances on the side for super-cool publications. I just feel so lost right now but the important thing is that I'm ready to quit this job. I jut hope I don't get back to work tomorrow and find out the temp had a horrible few days without me and wants to quit. That would totally suck.

I wish I wasn't damn near 24 and paying rent on a place that's not mine so I could scrawl song lyrics all over my walls again. Like, I really want to write up snatches of "Saturday" really big (even though my writing looks like ass when I write big) but I can't.

Old walls at the old house (see what I mean):


I'll have to settle for writing some FOB and Maria McKee lyrics into my inspirations book.

I gotta get some posters. Srsly. My walls are starting to drive me nuts and I don't know that this acqquaintance of mine will ever come through with giving me one of his paintings.

Spent a little under 2.5 hours at the office today finishing everything up and putting it together. My boss's office doesn't look great but it's workable and there are reasons beyond my control for why it doesn't look totally fabulous. I still have to sort through all of my files, too. I hope the new temp is good. I hope she's cool. That's she's sharp. My boss is either going to be really subdued or really pissy tomorrow. Or some combination of the two. Eeek. I wish the temp wasn't starting on the same day that the boss was coming back from vacation and the VP was on his own vacation. I'll get through it, though. The good outweighs the bad and we'll get everything up and running soon enough.

I SQUEE easy:

this is the time to look for secret shows (midsummer you know we like hot small rooms), this is the time to wonder about new songs, this is the time to tell patrick to grow his sideburns out.

Pete and Patrick = OTP. Is it wrong that I want to see embarrassing wedding pictures? Then I don't wanna be right.

Tomorrow is my first weigh-in. I doubt I lost any weight, maybe a pound. I let myself do some stupid shit like eating the buffalo chicken pizza and the calzones, even if they were Weight Watchers brand. Heck, if I lose 2 lbs I'll be happy. Maybe try the gym on Wednesday. And then I have to see AD at some point.

Also- people really need to a) stop doing PDA other than hand holding on the subway; b) stop making out and walking slowly when exiting the subway platform. I swear, everyone took their dumbass pills today. My building is 7 floors. We have a directory now and people are still shocked that they don't end up on the right floor.

I almost lost it today, too. By some divine miracle, my mother called just as I was reaching the end of my proverbial rope. I hate that I don't have more help at the office and that everyone is lining me up to do pre-moving things because TK is like, not helpful at all. She's leaving anyway but no one has any faith in her, I feel. And that's a shame. I wish AR had stayed through the move, but such is life. I figure I'll stay through September and hopefully find a new job and head to Japan sometime in between. I'm petrified to go but I think once I get over my general, typical nervous anxiety, it will be awesome.