Hi. all the energy's been sucked outta me (who sucked out the feeling?)... escorted DK to the train station and came home and slept for a little while longer and than proceeded to eat like a piggy and not change and not take a shower, but I think I'll do that now. As usual, I had high hopes for this day! And tomorrow, well, it's Sunday, so it's football day, and hopefully hitting the gym because I am officially disgusted with myself. I look legitimately fat again, well fat for me. Which is disgusting. If only I was 2 inches taller or so, I could carry the weight better.

Panic at the Disco covering "The Weight" for their latest AOL session is both ironic and unexpected. They are a band of adorable, though.

Last night: froze. Lower east side. Sushi next to loud, drunk, girls. Not being able to drink too much... I have weird panic attacks or anxiety attacks when I go out, lately and I don't know why. I don't know what I think is going to happen, but I just get so freaked out and all I want is to be home in bed again, warm and safe. I don't think I like drinking beer right now, either. Or drinking in general. I think it makes me more freaked out, actually.

I do not approve of the Wentz-let's name. But I am happy for them, and I had a feeling they were having a boy (and not just because Pete made some reference and then denied it).

It's rare that an artist I like is actually still alive and producing work. Jenny Holzer is one of the rare examples. Granted, you can't compare what she does to say, Monet or Picasso or Michelangelo, but the works are pretty cool and thought-provoking. This sucker is projected on the Guggenheim Museum on Friday nights:

Eureeka!!! I wrote about how the Hacienda Classics compilation remind me of being 7 years old at someone's roller rink party - and I'm listening to it now and uh, "Love Sensation" by Loleatta Holloway is basically the blueprint for Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch's "Good Vibrations." And 'round we go, full circle with my childhood. Man, did I hate those shitty, heavy, gross, roller rink skates. I think I eventually got a pair of my own, but I was always the kid who was afraid to go fast, in case I fell. So I'd always stay really close to the edge of the rink, or to the center. And when I got roller blades, I was such a pansy that I wouldn't even go down hills by myself- I had to hold on to my poor mother. I got better, eventually, but I'm still wary of falling on hard surfaces... which was awesome when the floors in the kitchen at home got re-waxed or whatever and I almost tripped at least 3 times a week for a while.

I'm still shit at ice skating. I don't know if that one will ever click. Still curious to see how my bike riding holds up after not being on one for about 12 years. Holy shit, it's been 12 years! I'm guessing...maybe 10. That still seems like ages ago.

But that Marky Mark song? Played at least 3 times per party. The other big hit was C & C Music Factory's "Everybody Dance Now." I'm at the point where I can appreciate "Love Sensation," but I don't think I'll ever be ready to do anything other than laugh/cringe at C & C.

People need to stop ragging on me so much for hanging out with gay guys. No, I didn't think I'd be doing it so much either, but this is how it is and I'm having a good time, actually, so step off. God, I'm such a misfit. But I'm alright with that. And the one guy who gives me crap about it all of the time- well, I don't see him inviting me to hang out with his single, straight friends, so he can stuff it.

I think my hearing is starting to go in the other ear...I never said I was smart for listening to so much music all of the time, esp. at loud volumes.

Why are you purple? The Ravens aren't playing a home game...well they're playing the Giants this weekend but...really? Purple?? Fucking do it up orange and yellow for Thanksgiving, fools!

Middle finger on one hand: to D'Agostino, for not selling regular chili, which is what I really, really wanted tonight. All they sell is the Taco Bell brand, and Hormel. Both look kind of gross. I wanted Amy's, dang it!

Other middle finger: to the ass clowns who are drilling and/or jackhammering right now. What gives, guys? Some of us want to chill out after work. Time to crank up the Queen, mm?

Two Subway Pet Peeves:

1. People who insist on reading and holding up their reading material while standing on a very crowded train.
2. Men who sit with their legs spread really wide, taking up space where a person could actually sit.

In happier news, I have conquered my inability to make grilled cheese, finally. Turns out that PAM, while an awesome butter substitute in some situations, isn't great for grilled cheese. So thanks, Ed Levine, and by extension, the lovely roboppy . I can now do something that your average 13 year-old probably knows how to do. Next up- making it with apples and brie: mmmmm.

Observation 1: Chanel does not half-ass anything. Check out the Camellia on the little bitsy shopping bag. And of course, much ribbon.


Observation 2: It's hard to walk in 3.5 inch heels after not walking in them for a while. I've been rocking like, .5 inch kitten heels for most of summer, with some 2 inchers thrown in every now and then. But 3.5 inches made me feel like a badass, even though I had to walk a little more slow and hold on to banisters. I lasted in them all day... why couldn't I have been 5'4" for real, huh?


Observation 3: I totally got to second base with a woman on the subway home last night. And she was married, too! Or at least engaged. Oh, how I love the NYC subway, and how it twists people into vaguely sexual positions, and you just suck it up and deal with it.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me that my stupid co-workers never even ask me if I want to go to lunch with them? They walk right by my desk in order to exit the building and they never even ask. I'm fucking dirt, I guess. Whatever, fuck them. It's just hard to put on a happy face when you feel like crumbling inside and/or throwing a tantrum.

Maybe at my next job I will get to work with awesome people who make me feel included and worthy of their time. And I'll be thinner and therefore feel more adequate. So, yeah.

I seriously felt like just staying home and listening to Stars and feeling sorry for myself but I assed out to Newark and spent my night with pretty, sparkly Idols. And one panda-eyed David Cook. I'm seriously amazed that none of them tried to make a Jersey joke. It's what one does in-state, no? Of course, my stupid camera died around Jason Castro and his bitchin' red shoes, but there's a plethora of pictures/video out there. Honestly, it was really good to just be at a show again, even if it was sponsored by Pop Tarts.

I think the coolest thing today was reading in that dumb "Fashion Rocks" publication that yes, Fall Out Boy really are making a documentary with the legendary Albert Maysles. I remember reading something about it a while back and I didn't believe it because the Maysles Brothers were like, fancy and so not FOB, but old Albert got roped into it and...Paaaaatrick footage! Hopefully all of the curses won't get bleeped out this time!

Common wisdom would say I'm 24 as of now. But I say not until 2:42pm. I was late. And small. And it was humid weather. Gotta think positive- Mike and Lawrence coming soon, right? That's enough to make me want to twirl.