I want out of my job, so, so badly. I think this other co-worker of mine might take a job in Boston, even though she never considered moving back up there. And that other guy is leaving...I guess depending where/when he gets into school. Work is just going to suck. Of course, the smart panda thing to do would be to throw myself into looking everywhere for potential opportunities, but I remain lazy and unmotivated, and doing "homework" on a Friday night. A Friday night when I should be at L's, with his straight friends (for once!). I did make myself some pasta/pesto and squash for dinner and it came out half well. That spaghetti squash is a little trickier than I thought. Tasty, though.

My father asked me if he could talk to the career counselor about me and I'm kind of opposed to it. They can't use the "we're paying for it' excuse b/c I'm paying for once in my life. I just don't want her to tell him how unmotivated I am, and then I get yelled at. Again- my own fault. Sometimes I can't get out of my own way. Little things at work piss me off on a daily basis- people leaving half open coffee packets or wet paper towels on the kitchen counter. People leaving boxes around. Feeling like a housekeeper. Missing phone calls. Having a daily battle with the guy who covers for me, and he's off growing plants and attracting flies and generally being a nuisance.

& now, via alternatending( oh hai, meme )

Let's talk about how much I'm loving Metric. And how I haven't been to Weight Watchers in a month, but went tonight, and I really didn't gain much in a month, so thank you, Lord. Seriously. I thought I'd be back to 142-143, but I'm still hovering just under 140. So phew, especially considering I've got my cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks, and it would be nice to drop some weight, as I imagine there will be pictures taken, and that camera does add pounds. I have a dress, which I have worn only once before, and yet when I put it on over the weekend- it got all stretched out in the chest, but somehow pushed my boobs UP more. I don't even know what happened there. But it's kind of verging on inappropriate for a family wedding.

I watched the Dear Jack movie, and there are scenes of Andrew McMahon playing music when he was visibly sick and bald and whatnot, but he's wearing his stupid wedding ring, and the whole time I'm thinking, "When did you actually get married, you sharp-nosed MFer?" Because there is a shot of the wedding, and he's got hair and stuff so...maybe it was a pledge that he and his girlfriend made? Like a promise ring thing when he was sick? Why do I care about this, is the question. It's probably because I'm amazed at anyone getting married so young, especially rock stars.

My laziness is already starting to creep into this new job hunt/career counseling venture. That ain't right. Nip this in the bud, shall we?

I finished Firefly/Serenity. I didn't love the last few Firefly episodes, but there was enough there to outweigh the stuff I didn't like. I still have a bunch of questions about certain things, but I'm sure I'll get 'em answered. That's what the internets is for, right? Shack did the recaps at Television Without Pity, so I'm looking forward to going back and reading those. He did coin the "seal of Thasoggua" or whatever, for American Idol. He's got my heart. [so does Nathan Fillion, btw] And why does Melinda Clarke always play a prostitute or a woman of ill repute? It's not as if she's so trashy looking that those are the only roles she can play!

Giants lost badly and embarrassingly. Jets lost in a better fashion. But I was half paying attention and counting down until I could finish Firefly. And listening to the actual Stars song "In Our Bedroom After the War," which I wish I could post for you, but I can't. I listened to it a bunch, and half the time it made me want to sob, and the other half it made me feel all triumphant. I've been listening to Stars all week, actually. All it takes is one little twitter quote fromexpatiates , and BAM- I'm back on the bandwagon. "Your Ex Lover is Dead" remains a gorgeous piece of work.

WELL,
I haven't been DM-ing with my blogger-crush, which is [sad panda]. I still want him to whisk me away to Brooklyn so we can make fun of horrible TV shows together.

My grandmother is hanging in there for now. We all thought she was going to go at any minute a month ago, but she's rallied, to a point, and she's back to being half coherent/half non-sensical. It's the best we're going to get at this point.

My career counseling is going well. She's opening me up to new ideas and areas that I haven't considered. I found out that one of the co-workers I really like is getting ready to blow the pop stand. I don't know how many other people know. He doesn't know that I know. I'm guessing some other people that he's close with are aware of it. The funny thing is that it's an architect but he applied for a business degree. Maybe he wants it in case he starts his own firm once he's registered? I'd like to ask him about it, but it's not my place. I will miss him, though. He makes me feel attractive, which is so rare.

I finally borrowed Firefly from my friend. I don't remember how I came to know Nathan Fillion. I think maybe I tried watching an episode once, a few years back. But I went into the show knowing that I found FIllion to be oh-jesus-attractive, and Jewel Staite was on it, and I love her from "Flash Forward," back in the day. I'm about halfway through the series, loving Fillion, having a million questions, and just enjoying the heck out of it. Of course, I've selected the un-canon 'ship of Mal/Kaylee for myself, but I can't win 'em all. I'm not sure how I feel about Simon. Sean Maher reminds me of Roger Bart mixed with someone else who I can't remember at some point. I guess I think he's a little slimy, but he has his moments. The best part of everything is that the Serenity movie is available for instant play on Netflix, so that's what I'll be doing tomorrow night, probably, since there's not a Sunday Night Football game (thanks very much, NFL, for caving to the World Series. Some of us are NOT into baseball!). I think I'm kind of spoiled for something that happens in the movie, but oh well. You can't go hunting around for fanfic and emerge without learning some things that you weren't expecting to.

Okkervil River are on Austin City Limits tonight, and it's not on PBSHD for once, so I can watch it in my own room. Score! And they've got Jonathan Meiburg with them [I think he lives in Austin], their ex-vocalist/multi-instrumentalist, AND the cute bassist finally shaved, and seems to have transferred his beard to Will Sheff (the lead singer), who is actually working that extra hair. He looks more masculine and less like a scrawny, pale, indie boy. Also, Sheff's beard is like, carrot red under the ACL lights. He's a brunette. And he's playing piano! Which he never does in concert! Double-score!

And Friday Night Lights!! Kyle Chandler also falls into the "marry me" camp. Connie Britton, too. And Gilford. There's up-front hotness and stealth hotness on that show. And a lot of aviator sunglasses.

Magnolia Electric Co. is pretty much making my fall. Some of the songs go on too long, and Jason Molina's voice can get whiny, but some of the stuff is kind of gorgeous. Also, Arcade Fire.

Weezer was so much of my life when I was 17-18, mostly "the blue album" and Pinkerton. I got part of "Falling For You" stuck in my head, randomly, yesterday, and I went and listened to the songs that I have on my computer. Ohhhh, nostalgia!

This was one of the sections that resonated the most with me at the time, and it kind of still does:

 

Also, I would not have requested "Punk Rock Princess" at an acoustic show [I don't think it translates as well as some of his other songs], but whatever. It's Andrew. 

Who still has a crush on a blogger that she will never, ever meet? ::this girl::

I had yet another dream about my grandmother dying, last night. This would be the 4th. Isn't that pleasant? In this one, she died like, today, and I had to go home, and I was trying to convince my mother that I HAD to get back and go to the Andrew McMahon show. I was begging her, practically, all "you don't understand!" Do you think I'm excited for this show? Fuck and yes. This dream was so realistic, though, one of those deals where I woke up and it took a few seconds for me to remember that I was home in NYC, and my grandmother was still alive.

LUDO are fucking awesome and fun and it's one of those deals where you get home and listen to the music post-concert, and it doesn't have the same zip anymore. That's alright, though. The songs are still killer. And they are an adorable band, and I would like to see them live once a week or once a month or something. Then I would be in a good mood all of the time. How do you not love a lead singer who munches on flowers? And a bassist who looks like he should be at high school soccer practice? And a fabulous keyboard/sounds guy? You just love, mm?

Also, Troy Aikman can suck a bag of dicks. The Giants are, a good football team, you ass. New Orleans is on fire right now. I don't know who the heck is going to be able to stop them during the regular season. Not that they don't deserve it, because they totally do. Anyway, Troy needs to shut his yapper. Yes, the Giants have had a "bye" month of playing bad teams, but they're a solid team overall. One loss to NO doesn't mean they suck. Yes, it's going to be a bad loss, but the Giants aren't out of the hunt for anything quite yet.

This business of my grandmother's declining health is pretty morbid. It's amazing to see someone fall apart so fast. I'm a lot sadder than I thought I'd be, mostly because we all thought she'd live to 105 and go peacefully in her sleep, still in fine mental health, but it's turning out to be very different. I helped my parents make the list of all of the people to call when she does pass away. I am glad that I got to see her when she was 3/4 in her right mind, basically say goodbye. We think she had another minor stroke, and when you're nearly 98, you don't bounce back as fast. I say she's had an excellent, amazing, accomplished life, but the impending is still weighing heavily on me.

I'm having issues with my nose tonight. Maybe I should have gotten it fixed? But, no. That's my heritage. That's part of my grandmother, right there. However, I do think everyone else in the family wears his or her nose better than I do mine. And one must not count out the fact that I'm petrified of going under the knife for true cosmetic surgery. It's always in the back of my mind, though.

People are all jacked up about fall, and there are good things, like the pumpkin/cinnamon/cider stuff, and the fall smell, and foliage, and all of that, but there are unpleasant aspects as well, like wind. And when you go from cold outside to hot subway platform and start sweating right away. And when the apartment building jacks up the heat so much that you're wearing shorts and a tank top in the middle of December. There are other things to consider, but I can't remember them right now. Fall air does smell great, though.

Fall Music to Sort Through:
-Ryan Adams
-Whiskeytown
-Arcade Fire (going to give 'em another shot)
-Magnolia Electric Co.
-Songs: Ohia
-Patty Griffin (her latest)
-They Might Be Giants
-Guided by Voices
-The National

Tonight, I went to Hammerstein Ballroom to see this pretty lady:

She's [maternal expletive] radiant, y'all. I forgot I was seeing a legitimate tour show, and not one of my usual indie-er affairs. She's got a heckuva band, including a small brass section, which always makes me squeal. Okkervil River and Spoon worked some brass into their recent tours, but I wasn't expecting it from Kelly, so PLUS. Also PLUS- I've wanted to go to a show at Hammerstein since I was in middle school and it seemed like all the cool shows happened either there or Roseland or Irving Plaza. I've now been to all 3!



I would have been pissed if I'd missed this, considering she played RIGHT IN NYC for once. I was expecting a lot of younger girls, like little girls, but that wasn't the case. Some college girls and a few young looking ones, but mostly early 20s and up, I think. One thing about a female friendly audience- less tall guys to politely move in front of! There was this group of college girls in front of me with a very tall friend, and she wisely stayed off to the side. High fives and ass slaps to you, redhead! Also, the group of girls was pretty amusing to eavesdrop on. They all had on too much eyeliner; they were in on a train from somewhere. There was a certain bridge & tunnel quality to them...maybe Long Islanders... I don't know...but fun to listen to them talk about college things and stupid boys and Halloween, etc.

I hate to get all Randy Jackson, but I could listen to Kelly sing the phone book, for sure. She's just so darn adorable. And she does fun covers! My only complaint: I would have liked her to have done "Longshot," but one cannot have everything.

I don't like going to events that remind me how utterly bereft I am in the friends department. See: bridal shower. I had friends, then I didn't. Then I did again, then I didn't. And the "didn't" has lasted a long time. There are people I socialize with, but I barely have friends. And some of them don't live very close to me and it just KILLS to see this bride-to-be surrounded by so much love and friends and so many years of memories and I have like, nothing. I have my awesome parents, and I do not for a second take them for granted, but it just makes me kind of sad, sometimes. I constantly feel lost and alone.

To make matters worse, my grandmother's health is steadily declining, to the point where my mother feels that she and her sisters have to start making legitimate funeral arrangements, which is morbid and sad and yet, necessary. I just hope she can hold on until after my cousin's wedding next month, because if not, that's going to be two crazy, conflicting events happening around the same time.

I'm "detoxing" in NJ this weekend, which is nice. And my new bedspread is pretty sweet-looking.

Oh, goodness.
Things would be better if I was getting enough sleep at night, but I always manage to somehow work myself into a dorky little frenzy at around 11:30, which keeps me wired 'til 12:30, which is really when I should be sleeping.

Last night, I had this horrible dream that my grandmother died, but it wasn't all real. In the dream, she had a husband and a sister called Rose. My grandmother has neither. I'm sure it was my subconscious expressing worry about her declining health, but it was really jarring, and I woke up at like 4 or 5 in the morning, kind of freaked out. In the dream, we were all at the hospital, and I was leaving to go somewhere, and then it was announced over the loudspeaker that she'd passed, and I went back to the room where my family was, sat down on the floor, and started to cry. And then "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin started playing. I think it affected me all day. I was on-off-on. Pretty silent at the hair salon. I sad there like this round little black and grey mess of a sad panda. Not that I ever have anything to say to the guy who cuts my hair, but... tonight I resolve to get a good night's sleep.

The price for a haircut/blow-out is now $78, which is total robbery. I have to seriously evaluate whether or not I'm going to keep going to that salon. When I started going, the price was in the $60 and up range, which is what I'd been paying in NJ, but now... I was able to deal over the summer b/c I just had my hair cut and then I blew it out at home, but now it's fall and it's too risky for me to walk home with a wet head. At least I've got my bangs again!

OH, HI.

[there's chemicals in the clouds]

I went to California and got freaked out by hills in San Francisco, feared earthquakes, saw a bunch of sea lions, had a minor nervous breakdown and constant headache...DK is a trooper for putting up with me, but she has anxieties of her own. I learned that I will constantly compare every major city in the world to New York City. I'm kind of spoiled in that way.

I learned that DK is familiar with Jack's Mannequin and Something Corporate, which happens when you work for Hollister, and we love some of the same songs. I bought both Jack's albums on the cheap at Amoeba in Berkeley (which I was totally psyched about), and we listened to them in the car, and it was just perfect music for driving and California. We would have rocked out to SC, but the stupid rental car didn't have a tape deck for my iPod adapter. But I fell in love with "Miss Delaney" and "American Love," two songs that I'd previously overlooked.

I learned that dirty looks don't work in Berkeley. It made me want to be a better person, like less "I'm going to stab you" and more "roll with it." I said hello to the doorman in my office building for the first time ever this morning and he was like, "She speaks!" So uh, he's noticed that I'm not the friendliest person, obviously. Super! Every time I say I'm going to turn over a new leaf and be overall more pleasant, something about it backfires. Hopefully, not this time.

However, my grandmother is in declining health, and this other family friend is in bad shape, so I don't know how that's going to affect my new outlook, especially the part about my grandmother. We thought she'd just go in her sleep, but she's getting dementia now so that's um, foiled.

I'm slightly flirting with this kind of cute blogger via Twitter. Can he spirit me away to Brooklyn, please? I'm finally at the point where I can look at pictures of MD and his girlfriend and go AWWWW, which is good. I've decided that I'm never getting married. It's just never going to happen with me, unless somehow I find myself in a situation with lovely boys. There are underlying issues, though, so who knows if someone will ever crack this casing I've got going on. I can say "sure, let it come," but when actually confronted with the situation, it might be very different.

But it's NFL season, and there are sweet concerts coming up, and maybe I'm going to take legitimate steps to finding a new job.
Fall into fall. XO

"It's in the trees!
It's coming!"

When I was a child:
Running in the night,
Afraid of what might be

Hiding in the dark,
Hiding in the street,
And of what was following me...

the hounds of love are hunting me
I've always been a coward,
And I don't know what's good for me.

(Well) Here I go!
It's coming for me through the trees.
Help me, someone!
Help me, please!

Take my shoes off,
And (i will) throw them in the lake,
And I'll be
Two steps on the water.

I found a fox
Caught by dogs.
He let me take him in my hands.

His little heart,
It beats so fast,
And I'm ashamed of running away

From nothing real--
I just can't deal with this,
But I'm still afraid to be this,

Among your hounds of love,
And feel your arms surrounding me.
I've always been a coward,
I never know what's good for me.

(well),here I go!
Don't let me go!
Hold me down!
It's coming for me through the trees.
Help me, darling
Help me, please!

Take my shoes off
And throw them in the lake,
And I'll be
Two steps on the water.

I don't know what's good for me.
I don't know what's good for me.
I need la la la la la ya yo ya yo
Your love!

Take your shoes off
And throw them in the lake!

Do you know what I really need?
Do you know what I really need?
I need la la la la la yeah!

[Kate Bush/Hounds of Love]

Screw me, I'm still obsessed with "Wuthering Heights" by Kate Bush, even though I've heard it a bunch by now. I can see echoes of her in Regina Spektor, the way Kate twists her words around and produces crazy sounds. Regina goes extra crazy of course, based on the lingering accent.

I survived the day much better than I thought I would, having gone to bed at 1:30 last night, having consumed hard cider & chambord (delicous!). I did not crash. I did not almost fall asleep at my desk. Go, me!

Tonight, there is a passel of watchable TV on. I am conflicted about that, as I feel like it's a bit of a chore to watch some of these things, even though they are programs that I like. I also get to try out some new shampoo, which is always exciting, ngl.

I am very nervous about packing. I always forget something, and this shebang is a 5 day deal, not just a weekender. I will be making copious lists.

Alan Ball is really worrying me, with his post-True Blood finale interviews. Even if Charlaine Harris is telling him about things to come, which I doubt, he seems to be totally misinterpreting the character of Eric Northman, and the show might suffer as a result. Team True Blood has to watch themselves, now. I think between each season, you'll have more people picking up the books, and getting a completely different view of the characters. Plus, Eric has been the breakout of S2, and it would be stupid to jeapordize that good feeling in any way. He's not a villain, Alan! He's not evil! He's not even textbook BAD. Magnificent bastard? Oh yes.

As long as he keeps the essential feelings/happenings intact of each story intact, I'll be satisfied.




More from the "Mom's thoughts on pop culture" file:

L: yes.i watched part of mtv last night.the brit emc was probably the biggest most obnoxious sexist idiot in the world.lady gaga is such apiece of work.makes mark look good <--she is referring to Marc Bouwer, last seen looking creeptastic on "Runway"

Is it Sunday yet? No. Damn. I checked my on-screen TV guide so I could remember to DVR the King of the Hill finale on Sunday, and I happened to see that the NFL game slated for the 1pm broadcast was Cowboys/Buccaneers and I screamed, for real. I don't need that shit, not now. Luckily, it turns out that the Jets/Texans game will be on, too, just on CBS. So they're running 3 games on Sundays now? Hmm...I like? Normally I don't give a whit about the Jets, but I'm curious to see how they'll do this season, and I'm fringe rooting for the Texans, so...

David Cook giving NFL picks = molten hot, for the record. Sorry you root for a shitty team though, babe.

Hey, Mac users? Why am I having problems with seeing BubbleTweets and YouTube videos and my Rhapsody stuff? I think it's a flash problem, but I have no idea who to speak to about it. Do I call Apple for such a ridic issue?

Last night I thought I was going to collapse, I felt so horrible. That passed, but I couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning, so I called out of work, which was the right thing to do. There's a marked difference between "Oh, I wish I could sleep later, but I will rouse myself" and "Oh no, I don't think I'm physically capable of getting up right now" and I definitely did the right thing. Hopefully this business will be over by next Monday.

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY = True Blood finale + NFL games + VMAs = very confused Alex. Definitely watching as much of the Bears/Packers as possible, obviously watching True Blood; I guess I'm watching the VMAs during one of their endless repeats. I'll miss Maura's liveblog at Idolator, but my vampers and NFLers are infinitely more important. Normally the VMAs would be background music, but I was actually kind of curious about them this year.

I am nottttttt thrilled about Ellen taking over Pauler's spot on Idol, I'm just not. Randy is useless. Simon is semi on-target (I still don't think he's a legit judge of what's cool w/r/t current music). If Kara gets her shit together this season and can figure out how to be more coherent in a small time window, maybe she'll live up to the potential I put aside for her. I'm with Slezak- the addition of a 4th judge turned out to be a disaster b/c we got shafted on hearing contestants sing. Simon is already being paid mad money. Does he have such a huge ego that he has to talk a certain amount of time per show, even though he's making all of that loot? Shut up and let the kids sing, especially when you get to the part of the season when most of the bad folks are gone! You make money whatever you do, Cowell. No one is going to forget that you exist if the AI contestants get to sing for 30 seconds more.

I am never, ever, going to get over seeing Lea Michele on television. Leighton Meester and Blake Lively are lovely-looking girls, but it's nice to see someone like Lea, who looks a little different, getting her due.

NFL season is ON, bitches! I cannot stand Andrea Kremer, NBC's sideline reporter, and it's not because she's a woman. It's because I can't stand any of those fool sideline reporters, I realized. She makes me particularly stabby, though, maybe because she always looks worn out. She's not as perky as, say, Erin Andrews.

My friend and I had a discussion over the weekend about how ridiculous it was for crazies to boycott Obama's school speech, and it's so nice to have someone I can talk about politics with. Sometimes it comes out with co-workers, but mostly I just do politics with my parents, or Mike. I know this one guy who's a Socialist, so any time you try to talk to him about Rep/Dem stuff, you're going to get a messy conversation. ANYWAY, my point is that maybe you don't like Obama and his policies, and that's fine, but to decry a speech on education is just f*cking ignorant. I read that one part about how Obama wanted children to write letters about what they could do to help the President, and it was all "indoctrination!" I think that's so stupid. Kids write letters about how they can help the President, which ostensibly means, how they can help America, yes? Not "how I can help the President take over the world." I actually think helping the President is a patriotic thing, and so BOO to all of the Republicans for calling more liberal-leaning people anti-patriotic [if a Rep. President called for the letters, I don't think the Dems would be up in arms]. And the main point of the whole thing is- HOW CAN ANYONE BE SO SMALL-MINDED AS TO DENY THEIR CHILDREN A CHANCE TO HEAR THE PRESIDENT TALK ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT EDUCATION IS? Again- when did it become bad to be smart? Jesus. I see some vestiges of the '08 campaign remain.

My old-fashioned self is thrilled that the iPod classic is now rocking 160G of storage at $249. I like hard, tangible things. I tend to beat my stuff up, and I'm downloading a ton of music so...I'm sticking with the classic, which is finally reasonably priced enough for my liking. I actually got to play with a Touch over the weekend, and I don't like the interface. Plus, I don't have time for the app store and all of that jazz.

I have come down with an early fall cold, the second worst thing to a summer cold. I am sitting on my couch, under a blanket, wearing knee socks, 2 long sleeved shirts, and long warm-up pants. I came in late to work and left early. I feel like I've been repeatedly kicked. And yet, no fever. Just that horrible feeling of hot and cold all at once, and a limited appetite. Having read the Sookie Stackhouse books, all I can think about now is how awful it must have been for Sookie to get beaten by the Rattrays, and everything else that happens to her. And I'm much better off!

Today was my boss's first day back after a good 2.5 week vacation. I did manage to make it into work a little bit earlier, which was good, but I was tired from the most excellent seafood fiesta at my friend's place last night. Didn't go to be until after 1 this morning.

So there is work, and there is yet another bitchy RFP [request for proposal], this one requiring a lot of supplementary material from sub-consultants, which means you have to get on everyone's case for their contributions. But it's a lot of paper and writing and putting shit together, and the guy who usually covers for me when needed wasn't in today, so there's this RFP to finish off, plus the general run-around that is my daily routine. I really wish my firm didn't owe the temp agency money so that maybe they could hire someone to come in like 2 days a week and just give me a rest. Of course, I wouldn't mind so much if the people designated to back me up weren't so godawful. I'm going to have to get to work at like 8am tomorrow so I can't print more stuff without tying up the good color printer/copier.  But the instructions are kind of confusing, and the principal in charge of the RFP is going to be out due to a funeral and it's just a big convergence of stress. Not to mention, the p-in-charge is always horrible at putting these things together, even when we get an early start. If he's not done with all of the stuff he has to contribute, then I'M stuck, so I get extra stressy. I might see if someone can sit at the other desk up front tomorrow and at least take care of the little things. Otherwise, I might have a fit. Not to mention there are a couple of other things I'm lagging behind on, as usual, and when/if my boss figures that out...shitshow. I need to get through tomorrow, and then there's Hard Knocks and GLEE and Top Chef and maybe even my laundry. Gym on Thursday, if I'm feeling frisky.

All I wanted to do was call my mom and get calm today, but she's dealing with my grandmother, who is in declining mental state, and she can't pay attention to anything right now, which I understand, but still, it would be nice to talk to her. My poor mother, at the end of her rope.

I love how the Fall Out/Panic faction uses the phrases "good hangs." They're cute. Also, still loving Ratatat.

VIA: here

Also, HBO can eat a bag of dicks, because SOME OF US WANT TO SEE THE TRUE BLOOD FINALE TONIGHT! We're not all off planning barbecues and whatnot. Some critic lambasted HBO for pulling this shit on July 4 still, and astutely pointed out that even if it is a holiday, by the end of the day, people are fed up and exhausted and some good TV would be a perfect way to unwind!